Navigating my Desire for Casual Encounters While Seeking a Committed Partnership
Being a gay man in my late 40s, my life has involved many, largely pleasurable years engaging in casual sex with other men from my teenage years. In my 30s, I was in a committed partnership which continued for a significant period, but I never felt completely content, in that I didn't experience love nor sexually nourished. The fact is that I have always craved casual sex. Whenever I start to date a potential partner, once the newness dwindles, an impulse arises to be intimate with new partners once more.
Reflecting on the Possibility of Monogamy
Currently, I'm contemplating if I’ll ever be able to maintain a monogamous relationship. I understand that numerous homosexual males engage in open relationships, but when I’ve witnessed them, they appear like hard work, frequently resulting in significant pain and jealousy for everyone involved. In many ways, I desire another man to care for me while letting me pursue other intimacies, however I dread to imagine the psychological toll this might create. Should I just keep having casual sex and acknowledge that a long-term relationship may be unattainable? I feel a bit lost.
Each individual's sexual journey varies. Try not to think of your relationship needs or your ability to handle various forms of intimate connections in a finite way. What you need in your current state could easily shift in the future; eventually you might become more decisive and find some clarity and a suitable route … or perhaps not. One day you might meet someone who provides a transformative opportunity to you by reflecting your desires completely … and later on you may choose that casual connections are best for you. Fretting over the future and playing the “What if?” game is simply anxiety-based and a waste of your energy. Aim to stay present with your partners, and see the value of each person you connect with intimately an intimate bond. When and if you are ever ready to deepen true intimacy with a single person, you will know.
- The psychotherapist is a American therapy professional focusing on addressing intimacy issues.
